"If He's Hungry"

"If Noah gets hungry, there's leftover spinach and yogurt from lunch in the fridge." This was Liz yesterday. There is a point when indomitable optimism turns into wanton folly, and she was blowing past it with enough speed to rip a windsock. If he gets hungry. What a euphemism! How about, "If he can be made to eat." Or better still, "If he can be made to eat without trying to make his head explode."


Apparently the little man thinks that with enough intracranial pressure, he'll be able to teleport right out of his high chair like Hiro Nakamura.

It is not that Noah will not eat. He loves to eat. Just not what you are feeding him. At first he figured out that if he held out long enough against turkey and squash, yogurt would eventually appear. Whereupon his mouth would pop open like a baby bird's. When the yogurt stopping showing up, he discovered a more advanced style of protest. He simply opted out of food, in favor of paper. Wrapping tissue sure turned out to be the gladdest tiding of this holiday season. Merry Christmas, suckers!

But as nine out of ten pediatricians fail to warn you, gift wrap is a stepping stone drug. First your infant is eating a teddy-bear pattern, and before you know it he's plundering the recycling for straight cardboard. Then plastic.

Which makes it all the more impressive that Noah has managed to stay true to his original protest. After declining most of an apparently subpar lunch the other day, he gnawed off the corner of a subscription offer for Gourmet magazine.

Everybody's a critic.

If you think all the craziness has done a number on his hair, you should see mine.